


Gooch Grease

by death13



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Attempt at Humor, Bisexuality, Crack, Dirty Jokes, F/M, Humor, M/M, Male Protagonist, Multi, No Plot/Plotless, Social Media, Textfic, Texting, This Is STUPID, if you wanna see someone else comment pls, this is my stress relief project, unsanitary jokes, yes it makes no sense yes its stupid we exist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:20:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24536089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/death13/pseuds/death13
Summary: "I am innocent and will run away to prove it."You're a narcissistic bench-warmer for Nekoma's volleyball team. Besides being a nuisance to the general population, you also get up to 'antics' and 'shenanigans' on the 'Internet'. Let's take a look...(You're just guy being dude.)
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Reader, Kozume Kenma/Reader, Kuroo Tetsurou/Reader, Shimizu Kiyoko/Reader, Suna Rintarou/Reader, Tanaka Ryuunosuke/Reader, Tendou Satori/Reader
Comments: 45
Kudos: 136





	1. Sex Ed

**Author's Note:**

> **Legend** :  
> @sexilitus = L/n Y/n  
> @kodzuken = Kozume Kenma  
> @NOTroosterhead = Kuroo Tetsurou  
> @boobie = Suna Rintarou  
> @sh_kiyoko = Shimizu Kiyoko  
> @acne34 = Tanaka Ryuunosuke  
> @famouscelebrity = Hanamaki Takahiro  
> @miracleboy = Tendou Satori
> 
> You can see everyone's profiles here https://imgur.com/a/BiPVffu

**kenma** @kodzuken - _2 hr_  
hate the state of the discord server rn. 

**boli me kura** @NOTroosterhead - _2 hr_  
 _Replying to @kodzuken_  
WHAT HAPPENED i haven't been on it after l/n spammed the watchmojo video until he got banned

**kenma** @kodzuken - _2 hr  
_ _Replying to @kodzuken and @NOTroosterhead  
_ he came back and has been trying to convince tanaka that its spelled lhabia for 20 mins get me out of hereeeeeee

**^__^** @rando - _1 hr_  
 _Replying to @kodzuken and @NOTroosterhead_  
tf is wrong with your friendgroup

2 Retweets

* * *

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _1 hr_  
@sexilitusstan the dictionary for clear skin 💅💅💅

**rina sunatarou** @boobie - _45 min  
Replying to @acne34_   
LMAOOOOO END HIM,,,, He's overrrrrrr💅💅💅

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _42 min  
_ _Replying to @acne34  
_ keep spreading misinfoking the truth always comes out ✌️🤭

**rina suntarou** @boobie - _37 min  
_ _Replying to @acne34 and @sexilitus  
_ DAMN YOU REALLY CAME THROUGH WITH THE RECEIPTS,,, DRAG HIM LMAOOOO,,,

**hilarious male** @famouscelebrity - _20 min_  
 _Replying to @acne34 @boobie and one more_  
@boobie stop being a fucking centrist pussy Not cool not cool

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _16 min_  
 _Replying to @acne34 and @sexilitus_   
THAT'S EDIT ED DELETE IT

* * *

**boli me kura** @NOTroosterhead - _13 min_  
NOT l/n on vc saying that he wants to be a psychology major😭😭

**rina suntarou** @boobie - _10 min_   
_Replying to @NOTroosterhead_   
SK JSDKSKK JSKLLWL WHO'S HE GONNA HELP??? SCREAM

**hilarious male** @famouscelebrity - _10 min_  
 _Replying to @NOTroosterhead_   
l/n making his first diagnosis

**Bong Water** @miracleboy - _8 min_  
 _Replying to @NOTroosterhead_   
bruh his girl is gonna be in the hospital and shell wake up like wheres l/n and the doctor is going to be like "who do you think gave you the 16 personality disorders??"

**boli me kura** @NOTroosterhead - _3 min_  
@miracleboy @famouscelebrity @boobie You DIDN'T NEED TOCOEM FOR HIM THJS HARD KLDLSL KSKKS LAOPW KF

**kenma** @kodzuken - just now  
 _Replying to @NOTroosterhead_   
no let them speak

* * *

**VOLLEYGAMING 😎 (hinata named it stop changing it)  
  
**

54 members | 20 online

**#vc-chat**

**Teh Scheming Captain Hehe** [15:56]

Who tf is peeing on vc

WH O CHANGJED MY NICKNAME AGAIN STOP WHAT IS THIS

**semi** [15:57]  
i... who do you think is the answer to both these questions LMAOOO

**noya** [15:57]  
idk it might be the guy who named himself Sparklekitty224 Teh 30 Year old once  
wjth the pee fetish  
the vouyeurist 

**Baldy** [15:58]  
if l/n has been making pee jokes all this time because he has a pee fetish i think i might have to take away his wi-fi

You burp into the mic. "Tanaka, Tanaka. Listen. The Wi-Fi doesn't change anything."

"So much for the tolerant left," Hanamaki mocks, his voice slightly distorted. He's either in a cave or he's speaking into his microwave rather than an actual recording device, you're not sure. 

**Baldy** [16:00]  
ur not denying the exhibitionist accusations

"Nah. Why── AWOOGA! Kenma joined," you announce, sudden excitement weaving its way through your otherwise bored voice. 

"Sadly."

"Gaming moment? Epic gaming moment? Some awesome gamer rage?" You try to coerce him into playing with you and Hanamaki can only chuckle at your desire to be this annoying. 

"Depends on what you wanna play," Kenma says indifferently. Not that he's dying to participate in your inane behavior but he does love playing video games genuinely, so it's always like being torn between a... nailbed and some form of strappado. 

"Dead by Daylight."

Hanamaki chimes in again. "Yeah, I wanna play DBD too."

"No," Kenma says sternly. "Last time we played, people couldn't stop complaining 'cause you kept teabagging everyone──"

"Oh, shut up."

"It's annoying to deal with," Kenma says, bored. 

**yachi** 💗 [16:04]  
what's teabagging

**matsukawa** [16:04]  
KAKSL KADOSAD9ISOADIA09IO HELPPPPPPP NOT THIS...

"Oh, Yachi, my favorite disciple. Listen, it's when──"

"He promises he won't do it anymore," Kenma says in a slightly begging tone. 

"No, I don't. Anyway, Yachi, teabagging is──"

**lactose intolerance** [16:05]  
kuroo stop muting him im trying to understand

**"Hinita"** [16:06]  
YEA WHAT KAGEYAMA SIAD

**kuroo the normal captain :)** [16:06]  
@ karasuno mfs why do you let yachi talk to l/n please

Oops. You got banned again.  
  


* * *

**Direct Messages**  
  
  
yachi💗 | kelphead

**yachi** 💗 [16:32]  
i'm sorry you got banned

**kelphead** [16:34]  
it's not your fault it woudl've happened sooner or later  
Theyre all haydurs  
hayding ass haydurs

**yachi** 💗 [16:37]  
i still wanna know tho  
what's teabagging? 

**kelphead** [16:37]  
oh it's like when you kill someone in a vidya game and hump the player's dead body

**Direct Messages  
**  
  
NOT A ROOSTER HEAD | kelphead

**NOT A ROOSTER HEAD** [16:43]  
DICKHEAD


	2. The Gentleman's Handbook

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _12 hr  
_ WALKING TO MATH CLAss FEELING LIKE A SAVAGE... PASS BY THE SUPERMARKET LOOKJNG LIKE A BABBAGE

**rina suntarou** @boobie - _12 hr  
_ _Replying to @sexilitus  
_ straight up too early to be dealing with u

**Bong Water** @miracleboy - _11 hr_  
 _Replying to @sexilitus_  
TF is a babbage

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _11 hr  
Replying to @miracleboy  
_oh you dont know babbage from accounting class

**Bong Water** @miracleboy - _11 hr_  
 _Replying to @sexilitus_  
do i look like i know babbage from accountjng class 

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _11 hr  
Replying to @miracleboy  
_

he sit's in front of me and calls me ugly and spits in mey face also he has green vaginal discharge on his underwear(dont ask)

**boli me kura** @NOTroosterhead - _11 hr_  
 _Replying to @sexilitus and @miracleboy  
_ so done with you

**kiyoko** 🐩 @sh_kiyoko - _10 hr_  
 _Replying to @sexilitus_   
Gm

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _10 hr_  
 _Replying to @sexilitus_ _and @sh_kiyoko_   
WHAT THW FUCK

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _10 hr_  
 _Replying to @sh_kiyoko_  
good mornjng queen talk to me on skype about your problems as a woman. i sympathzie im taking womens studies. i know what 'systematic' means. man im so horny today. sorry i apologize. how rudeof me. what do you think about this unlabelled pic of my cock? i titledi t image.PNG. R u impressed by its grith? i apologize. jhow rude of me. im in my womens studies class rn. liveblogging my womens studies.

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _10 hr_  
 _Replying to @sexilitus_ _and @sh_kiyoko_   
🤬🤬🤬😡😡😡 TF ARE YOU SAYING TO HER

* * *

**VOLLEYGAMING 😎 (hinata named it stop changing it)**   
**  
**

54 members | 9 online

**#general-aids**

**Baldy** [07:03]  
@lil xans cousin YOU .

**Baldy** [07:03]  
COMJ HERE

**noya** [07:06]  
@lil xans cousin WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YUO!!!

**Baldy** [07:07]  
SPIT  
SPIT  
SPIT  
SPIT 

**noya** [07:08]  
SPIT  
SPIT

**Baldy** [07:10]  
SPIT  
SPIT  
SPIT  
WHY DOES OUT GODDESS TALK TO YOU WHAT IS THIS

**noya** [07:10]  
I'M SO MAD I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS BUT YOUR E JUST LIK E EVERYONE ELSE

**Baldy** [07:12]  
he was nexver my freind... we shoudlve known... he always antagonizes me

**noya** [07:12]  
idk what that word means but Co-signed because thats some real shit you just said

**mattsun da sex god** [07:13]  
chile

**suna clapping cheeks** [07:23]  
@shimizu:) come get your mans queen he's in tilted towers

**Baldy** [07:44]   
UGH  
YOURE SUCH A BASTERD  
HURGLE 

**hanamaki da sodomite** [07:45]  
KDSKL JFTRESTJISEIKT ESROLESOL 

**hanamaki da sodomite** pinned a message in this channel. Check all pins.

* * *

**hilarious male** @famouscelebrity _\- 10 hr_  
tanaka when he found out that karasunos manager is ffriends with l/n

**kenma** @kodzuken - _10 hr  
_ _Replying to @famouscelebrity  
_ SHE JUST SAID. NOT EVEN A single WORD TO HIM ITWAS AN ABBREVIATION WHY ARE YALLLIKE THIS

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _10 hr_  
 _Replying to @famouscelebrity and @kodzuken_  
SHUT UP SHHE NEVER TALKS TO ME OR TEXTS ME L/N IS SO UNGRATEFUL 

**kenma** @kodzuken - _10 hr  
_ _Replying to @famouscelebrity and @acne34  
_ i wonder why she doesnt 😐

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _9 hr_  
 _Replying to @famouscelebrity and @kodzuken_

**Bong Water** @miracleboy - _7 hr_  
 _Replying to @acne34 @famouscelebrity and one more_  
this looks liek gore

* * *

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _7 hr  
_ tell me why i got 100 mentions in the server

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _7 hr_  
 _Replying to @sexilitus  
_ LOOKK AT IT NOW WHAT AER YOUDOING

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _7 hr  
Replying to @acne34_   
doing mucus grafitti on the desk in the principals office im not looking at SHIT

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _7 hr_  
 _Replying to @sexilitus  
_ then why are u on twitter then? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _7 hr  
Replying to @acne34_

* * *

**ryuu @ hell** Retweeted↴

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _2 yrs_  
only post hard shit on twit like bout to go 4 a cig or just gave this hoe head or driving undr the influence. domt let yur feeljngs seep into ur art . sadness is th first step towars gayness

**boli me kura** @NOTroosterhead - _5 hr  
Replying to @acne34 and @sexilitus_   
@sexilitus aren't you bi 💀💀💀

**hilarious male** @famouscelebrity _\- 5 hr  
Replying to @acne34 @NOTroosterhead and one more  
_NGL tho l/n has fake straightboy drip

**ryuu @ hell** Retweeted↴

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _4 yrs  
_ I just had a dream that I was in dthe toilet so i peed myself lol

**ryuu @ hell** Retweeted↴

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _5 yrs  
_ my teacher is so dumb -.- ehe thinks that the sun is a star

**ryuu @ hell** Retweeted↴

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _5 yrs  
_ farted inn the bath n almost drowned trying to smell it

**ryuu @ hell** Retweeted↴

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _6 yrs  
_ someone told me twitter censors ur password automatically o3o mine is badboy39

**rina suntarou** @boobie - _6 hr  
_ _Replying to @acne34 and @sexilitus  
_ sadly he changed it👎

**ryuu @ hell** Retweeted↴

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _6 yrs  
_ saw the dumbest elevator 2day it had a button for the floor i was on...?

**ryuu @ hell** Retweeted↴

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _6 yrs  
_ squirrelz r my new fav reptile 030

**ryuu @ hell** Retweeted↴

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _6 yrs  
_ I LOVE ANIME   
  
i have high bloodpressure

**Bong Water** @miracleboy - _5 hr  
_ i think tanaka might genuinely be ill

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _5 hr_  
 _Replying to @miracleboy  
_ AND L/N ISNT STOP LYING UR BIASED 

**Bong Water** @miracleboy - _5 hr_  
 _Replying to @acne34  
_ at least whatevers wrong with him is very, very funny

* * *

**rina suntaro** Retweeted↴

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _2 yrs  
_ I'm growing up!! first time being pulled over and i don't even have a license :D

**rina suntaro** Retweeted↴

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _4 yrs  
_ I hate when people try to deprecate the way I act. They get in myriad groups just to piss me of. Some of these people are pernicious while others are amicable WHILE others act so charlatan! I just wanna be left alone in a mundane

**rina suntaro** Retweeted↴

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _4 yrs  
_ dogs cant talk so do they have brains?? i mean i know they walk but its bc we tell them to idk

**rina suntaro** Retweeted↴

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _4 yrs  
_ tried to charge my phone in the microwave but it broke THANKS SAEKO FOR LYING TO ME =__=

**rina suntaro** Retweeted↴  
MF NAMED HIS DOG DOGE HELPPPPPPP

| **ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _6 yrs  
_ | Does someone have a Female pug me and saeko are trying to get Doge pregnant

**ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _4 hr_  
 _Replying to @boobie  
_ WTF I THOUGHT U WERE ON MY SIDE.. Why is everyone so fake

**hilarious male** @famouscelebrity _\- 4 hr  
Replying to @acne34 and @boobie   
_reminder that suna is a dirty centrist and shouldnt be trusted and will stab you in the back 4 a hotpocket

**kenma** @kodzuken - _3 hr_  
@boobie @acne34 yall think youre exposing something but l/n and tanaka both still act like this you clogged my TL for nothing

**boli me kura** @NOTroosterhead - _2 hr_  
 _Replying to @kodzuken_  
LMAOOOOOOOOO WHERE'S THE LIE THO

* * *

**VOLLEYGAMING 😎 (hinata named it stop changing it)**   
**  
**

54 members | 34 online

**#vent**

**lil xans cousin** [19:44]

**semi** [19:45]  
im  
WHY IS THIS IN VENT

**lil xans cousin** [19:45]  
im venting duh  
read the room bobble head

_semi, suna clapping cheeks, kuroo the normal captain :) and 5 others reacted with 😟 to your message._

**suna clapping cheeks** [19:52]  
oh really LOL  
whats wrong

**lil xans cousin** [19:55]  
ugh   
ok so im an empath right

**kuroo the normal captain :)** [19:55]  
LMAOOOO STOP PLAYINNNNNNNN

**lil xans cousin** [19:56]  
and  
tanaka is so jealous of me that it makes me sad like  
ugh idk its so saddening i wish hewas like me so he woudlnt suffer like this 😿😿😿

**hanamaki da sodomite** [19:57]  
benevolent king

**mattsun da sex god** [19:58]  
are you outta detention

**lil xans cousin** [20:00]  
im omw home rn

**hanamaki da sodomite** [20:03]  
awesome.  
vc?

**yachi** 💗 [20:07]  
STOP SPAMMING THE VENT CHANNEL I WAS CONCERNED >:(

**lil xans cousin** [20:10]  
God save the queen!

* * *

"But like, [L/n]," Hanamakki starts. You acknowledge him with a non-committal sound, focusing on the game you're playing. "Why were you in detention? Was it the mucus grafitti?"

"No. Me and my buddies were drawing surrealistic dicks in this abandoned classroom but some teachers turned up and caught me, I was the last one there."

"What, why would you do that?" Suna asks, slightly distressed.

"I just had an urge," you answer mysteriously. 

Kenma cuts in, surprising everyone. He'd been silent until now. "Yamamoto-san said you snitched on everyone..."

"Wait what? [L/n] is a snitch confirmed?" Hanamaki yells, incredulous.

"No, no, nothing like that──"

**#vc-chat**

**Baldy** [20:43]  
of course y/n is a snitch

**mattsun da sex god** [20:43]  
LOL HE'S SNITCHING   
This is the story of a snitch  
but now  
hes just a ~bitch~

"You're a bitch," Hanamaki accuses, repeating Mattsun's words. Maybe love really does win?

" _Listen_."

"[L/n] about to talk like eat hot statement and lie," Suna says, a slight snicker in his voice. 

There's a slight croak coming from Kenma's end, indicating that he might be moving around. "Whatever, it's okay. We all know everything that comes outta his mouth is insincere bullshit so let's just go along with the circus performance."

"Wow," you say, genuine bewilderment in your unseen expression. "It was literally life or death, alright? Like. I don't know how to express it. I was telling the principal trivia facts at one point. No, let's just say that if it came down to it, I would've even told them where the rest of Fetty Wap's discography is."

**mattsun da sex god** [20:46]  
I HATE HIM I GENUINELY DO

**noya** [20:46]  
STOPPPPPPPP

"No, dude, you're still a snitch," Hanamaki laughs after a moment of silence. 

"Sigh."

"Did you just say sigh instead of sighing?" Kenma is such a killjoy sometimes.

* * *

**kuroo the normal captain :)** [00:03]  
@lil xans cousin come back on vc snitch

**hanamaki da sodomite** [00:03]  
ya   
only snitches leave

**lil xans cousin** [00:04]  
im going 2 sleep

**hanamaki da sodomite** [00:04]  
boo

**lil xans cousin** [00:04]  
insomnia got me lookin like a meth addjct  
GOOD NIGHT [Gives you all a gross cartoon kiss]

**Baldy** [00:05]  
Thank s i hate it

**noya** [00:05]  
^

**shimizu:)** [00:06]  
@lil xans cousin Gn

_Several people are typing..._

**Baldy** [00:06]  
@lil xans cousin COME BACK BITCHJ YOU DONT DESERVE LSEEP 🤬🤬🤬

**noya** [00:06]   
I  
HE'S PLAYIGN DIRTY IDK WHAT HES DOING BUTHES PLAYING DIRTY

**kuroo the normal captain** [00:06]  
SKDFK KFDSLFLDSFLSDLLL SHIMIZU-SAN UR PLAYINGGGG HELP

**hanamaki da sodomite** [00:07]  
NAAAAAAH SHE'S TROLLING LMAOOOOOO NO WAY

**mattsun da sex god** [00:07]  
NAH SHES TRAIGHT UP MEESSING WITH US

**suna clapping cheeks** [00:07]  
@shimizu:) you dropped this queen 👑

* * *

**Direct Messages**

shimizu:) | yachi💗

**yachi** 💗 [00:11]  
im  
shimizu-san  
are you really instigating on purpose like the guys are saying  
thats not like you  
i mean you saw tanaka fighting with l/n right omg

**shimizu:)** [00:23]  
...Its kinda funny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope yall found this funny ig ???
> 
> the idea for this fic is that im too busy rn to be updating my actual fics with real plots bc of engaging in BLM-oriented activities + everyone is rightfully in a bad mood rn
> 
> so bascially this is just something A bit more short & light-hearted in these times that i can manage to update because writing is also stress-relief for me & hopefully make someone else have a little bit of a "gig" (giggle)


	3. Medical Malpractice

**VOLLEYGAMING 😎 (hinata named it stop changing it)**

54 members | 25 online

**#general-aids**

**lil xans cousin** [19:24] _3 days ago  
_ @Baldy how im gonna greet shimizu-chan every morning when were married after i make her breakfast

**Baldy** [19:25] _3 days ago  
_ youre making my new no suicidebaiting policy very hard rn

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [19:25] _3 days ago_  
FT9RSETGFIK 9ITSERTSRET WHY IS L/N POSTING HIS GRANDPAS NUDES STOP IT 

**mattsun da sex god** [19:26] _3 days ago_  
he got that shit from onlyfans bet

 **hanamaki da sodomite** pinned a message in this channel. Check all pins.

 **kuroo the normal captain** **:)** [19:26] _3 days ago  
_ bruh why are like 75 per centof the pins l/n suna hanamaki and matsukawa

 **suna clapping cheeks** [19:27] _3 days ago_  
@kuroo the normal captain :) try being funny for a change and maybe you'll get pinned 😘 hope this helps 🤗

 **lil xans cousin** [19:27] _3 days ago  
_ bruh mfs who say 'per cent' dont get pinned what earth are you living on cuz it sure as hell isnt mine

 **Tsukishima** [19:29] 3 days ago  
@lil xans cousin Can't you get sick or something not only are you annoying but Tanaka becomes even more annoying around you

 **Baldy** [19:29] _3 days ago  
_ ^

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [19:29] _3 days ago  
_ spotted the other 'per cent'-sayer 

**lil xans cousin** [19:30] _3 days ago  
_ whatever tsukisimp

 **Tsukisimp** [19:31] _3 days ago_  
Please learn a new word  
Oh screw off

 **semi** [19:32] _3 days_  
you know he's just doing that to piss you off right lmao

 **Tsukisimp** [19:32] _3 days ago_  
No I wasn't aware Captain obvious 🤭

 **lil xans cousin** [19:33] _3 days ago  
_ HEY dont drag semi into Our beef  
expect a diss track soon.

 **Tsukisimp** [19:32] _3 days ago  
_ Sure  
But like I said you'll need to learn new words first  
Unless you're trying the Hoes Mad approach?

 **shimizu:)** [19:33] _3 days ago_  
I see...

 **mattsun da sex god** [19:33] _3 days ago_  
yo shimizu-san  
whose side are you on  
for the rap battle

 **shimizu:)** [19:34] _3 days ago_  
I'm under contract  
can't say

 **mattsun da sex god** [19:35] _3 days ago_  
ah respect that respect that  
if i had to choose between oikawa and an infection  
i'd take the infection

 **lil xans cousin** [19:35] _3 days ago_  
bitches named oikawa tooru are sneezing rn  
 **  
**

 **"Okinawa"** [19:48] _3 days ago  
_ why is it that in the end im always the one being dragged

* * *

**VOLLEYGAMING 😎 (hinata named it stop changing it)**

54 members | 19 online

**#general-aids**

**Baldy** [17:09]   
is it just me or has the chat been dead for the past 2 days

 **"Hinita"** [17:09]  
no tanaka-senpai :(  
wheres everyone

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [17:29] _  
_hmm  
ur right  
its like something is missing

 **"Hinita"** [17:30]  
!!!  
WHAT COULD IT BE?

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [17:32] _  
_its hard to tell

 **mattsun da sex god** [17:34]  
the realities are shifting.  
toilets will flush the wrong way from now on.

 **Tsukishima** [17:35]  
This might sound crazy but hear me out  
People could be busy  
  
 **kuroo the normal captain :)** [17:43]  
oh tsukki dont tell me you strained your back practicing :) that would really suck :) 

**its OWL not OWEL** [17:45]  
if tsukki overworked himself :) id really hate that for him :)

 **kenma (Beast tamer)** [17:51]  
are you guys serious

 **"Hinita"** [17:52]  
kenma!!!  
DO YOU KNOW THE ANSWER

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [18:02] 

kenma _.  
_

dont leave us hanging

 **suna clapping cheeks** [18:09]  
i must say  
after the chat died  
i could no longer pretend to have a social life or that someone is texting me  
so if you know whats wrong kenma please enlighten us

 **Baldy** [18:09]   
^

 **noya** [18:10]  
^

 **kuroo the normal captain :)** [18:13]  
??? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABT kenma

 **mattsun da sex god** [18:16]  
alright hop in since your ass wanna act blues clues

**"Hinita"** [18:20]  
Oh wait guys i think i know :D  
i dont think anyone has been playing video games lately!!!

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [18:22]   
true  
no vc lately  
hinata you are a genius and an angel

 **Baldy** [18:22]   
shawty kinda got a point ...

 **"Hinita"** [18:25]  
i miss hearing kenma on vc :[  
@kenma (Beast tamer) lets play something !!!

 **kenma (Beast tamer)** [18:25]  
i   
ok shouyou we can play  
the rest of u go to gay baby jail 

**suna clapping cheeks** [18:25]  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
NANYTHIGN BUT THAT  
HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL

 **kenma (Beast tamer)** [18:28]  
There's a special place in hell reserved for suna kuroo and hanamaki

 **kuroo the normal captain :)** [18:30]  
and if we're sinners 😻 it feels like heaven to me 😼

 **kenma (Beast tamer)** [18:32]  
i meant for being stupid not for 'sinning'  
whats wrong with you

 **its OWL not OWEL** [18:35]  
kuroo i didnt know youre one of the yaoi mfs  
"i am sinning so much rn x3 throw me in the trashcan squee"  
cringe bro

 **kuroo the normal captain :)** [18:35]  
BRO ITS NOT LIEK THAT  
PLS

* * *

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _1 hr_  
the timeline is more dead thanaobajosai's hopes for nationals lately

 **hilarious male** @famouscelebrity _\- 1 hr  
Replying to @miracleboy  
_youre lucky oikawa blocked you but youre unlucky that im an orange belt🤬🖕

 **^_^** @rando - _40 min  
Replying to @miracleboy_   
its bc ur friend from the mental illness fandom is gone

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _15 min_  
 _Replying to @rando_  
m-my friend?? from the mentall illness fandom?

 **^_^** @rando - _13 min  
Replying to @miracleboy_   
yes... sexilitus.. you didnt notice ????

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _10 min_  
 _Replying to @rando  
_ YOURE RJGHT OH M YGKD I CMAT SOTP LAUGHGNG

 **hilarious male** @famouscelebrity _\- 2 min  
Replying to @miracleboy and @rando   
_OHHH STOPPP STOPPPPPP WHAT THE FJCK I CANNT WE REALLY DIDNT NOTICE

* * *

**VOLLEYGAMING 😎 (hinata named it stop changing it)**

54 members | 31 online

**#general-aids**

**hanamaki da sodomite** [19:22]   
@kenma (Beast Tamer) WHERE THE FUCK IS L/N  
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM

 **Baldy** [19:22]   
huh???   
like alphabeticlly or chronologically ??

 **noya** [19:23]   
whatd hedo this time

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [19:23]   
OMG NO U IDIOTS  
HES BEENGONE. FOR 2 DAYS. AND WE DIDNT NOTICE

_Several people are typing..._

**kuroo the normal captain :)** [19:23]  
What

 **its OWL not OWEL** [19:23]  
this is the first time when ive felt smarter than kuroo

 **suna clapping cheeks** [19:23]  
that nasty bitch RIP tho

 **"Hinita"** [19:23]  
oh no i hope hes alright

 **mattsun da sex god** [19:24]  
i just spat nasty salad over my keyboard how did no one notice JIKTEJRSTKJ KJTKERST OTERP WE REALLY THOUGHT THE CHAT IS DEAD BECAUSE OF VIDEO GAMES 

**semi** [19:24]  
bet his dumb ass got grounded or something

 **kenma (Beast Tamer)** [19:25]  
no  
hes sick  
he hasnt been at school  
kuroo how tf did you not notice

 **kuroo the Demented captain** [19:25]  
DONT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A TOOL NOW  
YOU KNOW HE DOESNT GO TO PRACTICEE HALF THE TIME

 **"Hinita"** [19:26]  
He's sick ???

 **suna clapping cheeks** [19:26]  
i hope its not syphilis i dont want it

 **kenma (Beast Tamer)** [19:27]  
he has pancreatitis so hes just been sleepign all day and occasionally texting me  
wait  
@suna clapping cheeks HUH ????????????????

 **mattsun da sex god** [19:34]  
Um  
moving swiftly on

 **Baldy** [19:35]   
WAIT  
DIDNT STSUKISHIMA TELJL L/N TO GET SICK OR SOMETJHGN  
HELPPPPPPPPPPPP

 **noya** [19:35]   
UR RIGHT   
FES89URT 98UTIERSUI UJTIOE9RS8UT PTR;P

 **suna clapping cheeks** [19:35]   
@Tsukishima my hero **😍**

 **yachi** 💗 [19:36]  
you guys are so mean sometimes

 **kenma (Beast Tamer)** [19:36]  
^

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [19:38]   
omg excuse me 😢  
Praying🙏 for my brother 👨‍🦲 Hope he recovers well ⚰️ and His tummy no longer aches so he can bless us ✝️ with his rancid presence once more ☢️ Amen 

**yachi** 💗 [19:39]  
:[

 **"Hinita"** [19:39]  
:[

 **shimizu:)** [19:40]  
Dislike

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [19:40]   
tough crowd

* * *

 **im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _50 min  
_ if i could @ everyone on twitter i would jsut to be annoying

**rina suntarou** @boobie - _49 min  
_ _Replying to @sexilitus  
_ is ur pancreatitis character development arc over?

 **im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _45 min  
Replying to @boobie  
_yes

 **rina suntarou** @boobie - _42 min  
_ _Replying to @sexilitus  
_ and what did you learn

 **im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _41 min  
Replying to @boobie  
_that ur mom likes it from the back LOL 

**rina suntarou** @boobie - _38 min  
_ _Replying to @sexilitus  
_ Lame

 **boli me kura** @NOTroosterhead - _22 min_  
 _Replying to @sexilitus and @miracleboy  
_ welcome back haha i totally noticed that ur gone hahaaahahaha I missed you so muhc 

**hilarious male** @famouscelebrity - _17 min_  
 _Replying to @sexilitus  
_

so glad ur back!! 😐

 **kiyoko** 🐩 @sh_kiyoko - _3 min  
_

 _Replying to @sexilitus  
_ Wb

 **ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _just now_  
 _Replying to @sexilitus_ _and @sh_kiyoko_   
NOOOOO

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _just now_  
 _Replying to @sexilitus  
_ finally ur back its kinda awkward when im the only insane person on the timeline

* * *

 **lil xans cousin** [22:30]  
@Tsukishima apologize to me for medical malpractice  
or ill sue

 **"Hinita"** [22:30]  
YAY   
L/N-SAN IS BACK  
U STILL HAVE TO TEACH ME HOW TO SERVE LIKE U SO DONT GET SICK AGAIN PLS

 **lactose intolerance** [22:31]  
tch

 **lil xans cousin** [22:31]  
Of course little homie

 **Tsukishima** [22:31]  
Why would I apologize  
It was coincidence dumbass

 **lil xans cousin** [22:32]  
listen ive played ace attorney ill give you one more chance to apologize to me or i will be destroying wyou with facts and logic in court.

 **TsukiShrimp dick** [22:31]  
No  
OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO IMMATURE.


	4. Tales of Infamy

Messages

5'9 karasuno brown hair brown eyes hunk | [L/n] [Y/n] 

**5'9 karasuno brown hair brown eyes hunk** :  
Hi

 **You** :  
salutations my iq is 155 today 😹😹😹  
tomorrow? who knows

 **5'9 karasuno brown hair brown eyes hunk** :  
Erm chile anyway  
I have something for you

 **You** :  
wat is it

 **5'9 karasuno brown hair brown eyes hunk** :  
[link] Epic Volleybal Fails 🤣🤣

 **You** :  
um  
nice title  
  


**5'9 karasuno brown hair brown eyes hunk** :  
Just watch it

 **You** :  
dame ok  
dame tu cosita 🤣🤣🤣🤣 am i right

Seeing that Daichi has no response for your epic reply, you decide to stop gaping at your screen like a fishface and actually watch the video that he'd sent you. Though, to be fair, there's not much to say to that. You click the link and wait for it to load.

Everything is normal in the beginning, if not a bit boring. You're honestly unsure why Daichi of all people decided to show you this video, but you're quick to find out. About one minute in, it's you that appears on the screen. 

The fishface expression on your face returns, a thrilling comeback, really. You watch a moment you remember _very well_ , though you're not sure who it was that recorded it. It was during an official match. You were called in as a pinch server, though somehow, you ended up spacing out and the ball smacked you in the face. Apparently, someone managed to get it on camera.

Whatever. Not that you care too much, it's not like you have integrity or dignity.

 **You** :  
can u send me a dick pic  
ill not give any thing in return besides my opinion and a 0-10 rating  
thank you for supporting my cause

 **5'9 karasuno brown hair brown eyes hunk** :  
No?

* * *

**VOLLEYGAMING 😎 (hinata named it stop changing it)**   
**  
**

54 members | 39 online

**#general-aids**

**Baldy** [22:03]  
L/N  
HOW COULD U LET THE BALL HIT U WTF MAYN TUESR IJREOSI4UTJSER98TU  
this is why ur not a regular

 **noya** [22:03]  
U SAW THAT VID TOO  
  


 **kenma (Beast Tamer)** [22:04]  
everyone saw it.. ur not special..

 **suna clapping cheeks** [22:04]  
^

 **lil xans cousin** [22:05]  
why are you such a hater ryuu?  
the twitter girls are saying i'm "fine asl" and that they "love himbos" so

 **Baldy** [22:05]  
UGH  
SO NOT FAIR  
Wait FTERSGTFESRTGFSERT  
where's my juul . where's my juul ?? so not cool 😡

 **noya** [22:06]  
I CAN HEAR HER VOICE INSIDE MY BRAIN DIRECTLY IN MY HEAD

 **suna clapping cheeks** [22:06]  
You people are hopeless  
l/n no one lkes you

 **lil xans cousin** [22:06]  
me when everyone is jealous of me because im the center of the world and everything revolves around me

**suna clapping cheeks** [22:06]  
which 2012 pinterest board did you steal this from

 **lil xans cousin** [22:07]  
i made it

 **semi** [22:07]  
it clearly says that faindylicious from tumblr made it

 **lil xans cousin** [22:07]  
i wish you'd slip on grape juice and break ur neck  
nvm that just sounds like one of those weird deviantart fetishes

 **Baldy** [22:08]  
it sounds like Da Wha..?

 **lil xans cousin** [22:08]  
dont ask why youll never unerstand why.

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [22:09]  
wait wtf  
if the twitter girls find u sexy u should capitalize on it

 **lil xans cousin** [22:09]  
omg wait 🤩🤩🤩  
r u saying i should make an ugly fans  
onlyfans*

 **mattsun da sex god** [22:09]  
That was totally intentional  
are you bodyshamimg???

 **lil xans cousin** [22:09]  
no its called faceshaming  
Educate yourself  
DONT CALL ME MISTER CALL ME Y/N THE SCIENTIST  
Science. Knowledge. Resurch  
Y/n the scientist

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [22:10]  
i didnt mean an ONLYFANS i meant twitter clout you deranged fuck

 **suna clapping cheeks** [22:10]  
moving swiftly on from l/n's ... breakdown  
no one wants to buy ur ugly fans  
only fans*

 **lil xans cousin** [22:11]

**suna clapping cheeks** [22:11]  
ok?? that doesnt change the fact youre gonna fail??

 **lil xans cousin** [22:12]  
tell me honestly do u not like the idea of me in a santa claus themed thong

 **suna clapping cheeks** [22:12]  
no

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [22:12]  
...a little

 **Suga** [22:34]  
didnt you ask Daichi for a dick pic

 **lil xans cousin** [22:38]  
no it was my evil twin brother [Y/n]seph [L/n]sovich btw we were separated at birth and Twins of Evil (the movie) (1971) was inspired by our story

 **kenma (Beast tamer)** [22:38]  
no words  
have you even watched that movie

* * *

 **> __>** @rando2 - _4 hr_  
ok but that guy that hit himself with the volley ball can get it...

 **boli me kura** @NOTroosterhead - _4 hr_  
 _Replying to @rando2  
_ i have actually seen him irl he is not that good looking

 **> __>** @rando2 - _4 hr_  
 _Replying to @NOTroosterhead  
_ huh ??

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _3 hr_  
 _Replying to @rando2 and @NOTroosterhead_  
we were in kindergarten together and when he was a kid no one taught him how to wash the shampoo out of his head so its just kind of greasy and hard and disgusting and its still like that

 **ryuu @ hell** @acne34 - _3 hr_  
 _Replying to @rando2  
_ he has hairs in his lunch and likes them and doenst take them out

 **kenma** @kodzuken - _13 min_  
 _Replying to @rando2_   
as much as i love seeing l/n's reputation getting ruined i must say that none of this is true 

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _5 min  
_ _Replying to @rando2 and @kodzuken  
_ actually all of this is true and also once i had a prostate exam adn i liked it and i thought it felt good

 **kenma** @kodzuken - _just now_  
 _Replying to @rando2 and @sexilitus  
_ why do i even try to help you

* * *

**VOLLEYGAMING 😎 (hinata named it stop changing it)**   
**  
**

54 members | 21 online

**#promos**

**lil xans cousin** [01:33]  
followe my only fans  
https://onlyfans.com/pimplesuncensored

_Several people are typing..._

**kuroo the Demented captain** [01:33]  
WHATS WRONG WITH YOU  
NO

 **its OWL not OWEL** [01:33]  
im not sex negative or anything but i cant...  
not with that name

 **suna clapping cheeks** [01:33]  
do you do feet close ups  
Please  
please  
please  
youre nothing.

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [01:33]  
narcissism and delusions of grandeur are one hell of a drug 🤩🤩

 **shimizu:)** [01:34]  
Sorry but no... just no...

 **kenma (Beast Tamer)** [01:34]  
can you stop being publically obnoxious and just play videogames with me

 **lil xans cousin** [01:34]  
@kenma (Beast Tamer) do u want to see me cut my pinkie off

 **kenma (Beast Tamer)** [01:35]  
i said i want to play video games

 **lil xans cousin** [01:35]  
do u guys think onlyfans will let me post. me cutting mypinkie off

 **kuroo the Demented captain** [01:36]  
ill report you 🗿  
Watch when we come for you itll be so funny

 **lil xans cousin** [01:36]  
DO U HAVE AN ACCOUNT #*?E?>WED?WE>/???

 **mattsun da sex god** [01:36]  
HAHAHAHAHAHAH turbo virg

 **kuroo the Demented captain** [01:36]  
no ill make one just for you

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [01:37]  
no one believes you btw

 **kuroo the Demented captain** [01:37]  
they always come crawling back

 **suna clapping cheeks** [01:38]  
l/n  
you posted something already  
im gonna subscribe to your onlyfans

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [01:38]  
bruh  
werent you just saying youre disgusted

 **lil xans cousin** [01:38]  
bet  
suna are you a paypig 😻😻

 **kuroo the Demented captain** [01:38]  
the change in tone

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [01:38]  
l/n are you into findom  
nasty

 **lil xans cousin** [01:39]  
Depends on the point of view  
i dont particulalry like shoving bottles in my asshole but i do like money

 **suna clapping cheeks** [01:39]  
YOURE SICK  
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [01:40]  
omg what did you see...

 **kuroo the Demented captain** [01:40]  
curiosity killed the cat😼

 **kenma (Beast Tamer)** [01:40]  
youre corny..

 **suna clapping cheeks** [01:42]  
IT WAS JUST THIS AND THE CAPTION WAS HeLLO MY NAME IS NINTENDO SWITCH (*ruejrfuio*(fuiru ?!?!?!?

**kenma (Beast Tamer)** [01:43]  
I

**hanamaki da sodomite** pinned a message in this channel.

 **lil xans cousin** [01:44]  
say that im doing good

**suna clapping cheeks** [01:47]  
NO

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [01:47]  
ur doing good

 **lil xans cousin** [01:49]  
SAY IT LOUDER

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [01:49]  
YOU ARE DOING GOOD

 **lil xans cousin** [01:50]  
now call me pretty.

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [01:55]  
your e pretty

 **Baldy** [07:34]  
tf happened here

* * *

Messages

bronchitis | n/n

 **bronchitis** :  
hey can we talk

 **n/n** :  
sure bokuto

 **bronchitis** :  
do u know who took that vid of u

 **n/n** :  
no

 **bronchitis** :  
do u wnat to know ???

 **n/n** :  
idgaf

 **bronchitis** :  
B-BUT  
WTF  
I CAN TELL U  
PLSSS WTF

 **n/n** :  
i seriously dont care

 **bronchitis** :  
Its eating me alive ive been keepign this secret for approximately 2 hrs.  
pls

 **n/n** :  
you can tell me anything you want to bokuto

 **bronchitis** :  
🥺

 **n/n** :  
that doenst mean/guarantee ill listen tho

 **bronchitis** :  
... 😒  
it was akaashi

 **n/n** :  
HAHAHAAHAHA- wait what  
  


* * *

Messages

AKAASHJI!!! -bokuto | l/n-san

 **l/n-san** :  
ur in love with me

 **AKAASHJI!!! -bokuto** :  
what

 **l/n-san** :  
u were taking videos of me

**AKAASHJI!!! -bokuto** :  
I knew it  
bokuto-san is a snitch


	5. There Is a Moron Among Us

"Oh wow, I'm going to be famous," you say in a deadpan tone. Kenma decided to stream Among Us and you were one of the unlucky participants.

"Ignore him, he has main character syndrome," Kenma dismisses.

Hanamaki then decides to start drama. "[L/n] would be the Impostor."

"We haven't even started the game yet. What the eff, man?"

"You can swear, it's ok," Kenma says.

"I know, I was just being cringy on purpose," you reassure.

There's some weird crinkling on Kuroo's end, most likely him opening a bag of chips. "Fork spotted in a kitchen _and_ water is wet."

"I think he's saying that you're always cringy."

"Thank you for clarifying for us Makki, it was hard to tell." You can't see Tendou in this moment, but you know that he's grinning at... himself for being an annoyance.

"How do you play?" Kiyoko asks. "Any rules?"

"If your name is red, torture, bind and kill," you explain. "And red is always sus. That's about it."

"Jesus." Tanaka sounds mildly disapproving while he circles the room around with his bean astronaut man. He has lovingly named himself Johnson Cena.

"There isn't even a 'bind' or 'torture' option. You're a liar," Suna complains.

"Don't correct me. I'm always right, except for when I'm wrong," you defend yourself.

"So now 'boobie'─" Kuroo refers to Suna with distaste clear in his tone, "─and 'loogie' are gonna preach to us?"

You can easily imagine Suna scowling at his laptop like an insane person. "Yes, we are."

"Oh, we kind of match," you remark.

"I don't wanna match with you."

"Damn. That's crazy."

"Guys when are we starting the game?" Yachi asks. She sounds a bit anxious, probably because of Kenma's stream. 

"Right about now," Kenma affirms. "The audience says they want two Impostors."

"They're drama queens," Hanamaki says. 

His complaint goes ignored as Kenma starts the game. You wait for your role to be revealed and you're excited to find out that you and Kiyoko are the impostors. _First round baby_ , you brag in your head.

"ANYONE SUS?" Hanamki yells. It's been about five seconds though, so you're not sure what he's trying to do except be annoying.

"Your mama," Tanaka responds, eloquent as ever.

"Idiot, she's sleeping. She's not among us."

"I don't know what happened but [L/n] did it," Tendo supplies helpfully.

You roll your eyes despite the fact that no one can see. "Someone detonate the yass grenade, Tendou has become a comedian."

"The _what_?" Kenma asks, incredulous.

Tanaka chuckles. "I'm impressed at your restraint to say 'I did your mom'."

"That joke is dead, Tanaka," Suna asserts, his voice dead serious. "Are you stuck in the last chapter?"

"I have a problem. I can't stop making your mom jokes," Tanaka confesses.

You trail after Kiyoko, pretending to do tasks in electrical. You two wait for someone to pass by so you can kill him and Nishinoya enters, unsuspecting. Well, you can't tell if he's unsuspecting because he's been quiet since the beginning of the stream.

"Just play the game, Tanaka-san," Kenma says, perplexed.

"I don't care about the game. I'm talking about your mom jokes."

You kill Nishinoya, named 'thelegend1'. You're not sure why the 1 is there but you digress. Kiyoko's avatar stares at you wordlessly and the two of you exit. If someone walked in on you abandoning the dead body, that'd be awkward but thankfully no such thing happens. She leads you to the emergency button and you're confused what she's doing.

She presses it.

"What's wrong?" Tanaka asks with genuine worry. Her loyalest white knight since you kind of eliminated the other squire.

"[L/n] keeps following me."

"It's kind of like in real life except less creepy," Kuroo remarks. 

Tanaka makes his decision quickly. "Let's vote him out."

"Don't listen to him Shimizu-san, I'm trying to be buddies 'cause you'd never stab my back. Maybe he wants me to go away so he can kill you. Maybe he's an incel," you accuse while trying not to laugh.

"Tanaka-san would never," Yachi defends. Tanaka lets out a bunch of hollers in agreement with his underclassman's statement.

"[L/n], I think you might be onto something," Kiyoko agrees. "Sorry for accusing you of sus behavior."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don't listen to him! And don't apologize to him. _Never_ apologize."

"I forgive you," you say smugly as if you're being very generous, still trying to stifle your giggles as to not arise suspicion.

"We're skipping but [L/n] will always be sus," Kuroo decides as if he's the ringleader of your circle. Everyone seems to agree in silence except Tanaka who votes for you. Little idiot.

"Fuck you Johnson Cena, the dancing bitch."

"Fuck you loogie. What're you even talking about?"

"I can see you."

"You can't, stop lying."

"Shut up," Kenma drawls like your bickering is causing him a headache.

Everything proceeds in smooth motion, at least in your opinion. Kuroo reports Nishinoya's dead body (god that sounds ominous) but it ends in a skip like last time. Kiyoko depletes the oxygen, which is a minor evil, and while she's undoing her own sabotage you linger by her and kill Tanaka.

The two of you scurry away before anyone goes up. You barely make it out of the general area before Kuroo finds the body, again. May Johnson Cena rest in peace.

"Isn't it weird that Kuroo finds a body twice? Hmm?" Tendou suggests.

"Holy bananas! You're right, big brain," Hanamaki agrees. You can't tell whether he's being sarcastic or not, but it wouldn't be the first time for such an uncertainty to occur. 

"It wasn't me," Kuroo defends himself weakly. "I was doing tasks."

"You were doing tasks instead of fixing the oxygen?" Suna asks, skeptical.

 _This shit is writing itself_ , you think to yourself. "I was tailing Shimizu, so it wasn't her."

"Yeah, it wasn't [L/n], we were together the entire time. He's safe," she confirms. Yachi hums in agreement as she is for some reason inherently trusting of her upperclassman. _Totally killed him though._

You vote for Kuroo, deciding to throw him under the bus. Kenma says it was probably self-report and that sells it for anyone else who was unsure of Tendou's theory. The votes reveal Kuroo being betrayed by everyone he knows.

"Fuck yo─"

_smirks shyly was not an Impostor._

"Kenma, you lied," you say as if your feelings are hurt while ignoring the fact that Tendou started this rumor. The aforementioned red-head and Hanamaki agree with your statement which makes him sigh.

"Oopsie," he deadpans.

"I wonder if Tanaka is being a good boy in heaven and doing his tasks?" Hanamaki asks in a teasing manner, aware of how Tanaka is still listening in on the conversation.

Tendou likes his train of thought. "Everyday he wakes up and does his silly little tasks."

You lead Shimizu towards Navigation. You jump in the vent while she fakes doing the annoying meteor task. Tendou walks in to do who-knows-what and you jump out, bold, before taking him out. 

Shimizu reports the body.

"We found it in Navigations," she states. She makes for a good liar, she's just so calm spitting absolute bullshit.

"Guys, I think it might be me," you confess, trying not to laugh.

"[L/n], stop trying to confuse us, we literally just found it," she scolds.

"I don't know. Just saying."

Everyone remaining ignores this and writes it off as you being your dumb usual self. "It might've been Hanamaki, I mean they were tagging along so he might've thought no one would suspect it," Kenma suggests.

"God, I just don't know what to do. This is so stressful..." Yachi sounds panicked.

"What do you have to say for yourself, Hanamaki?" Suna asks, deadpan. You wonder how he and Kenma aren't besties.

"Y'all really said I'm getting the name Ab, Abbie or something that sounds like Abigail, Aimee, Alexandra, Bethany, Brooke, Charlie, Charlotte, Eleanor, Jade, Poppy, Bradley, Isaac, Joe, Joel, Imogen, Toby, William while throwing out these accusations," Hanamaki says.

"Takahiro is a Japanese baby names baby name," you say after his speech. He's done for with all that, you vote for him a bit more regretfully. The others were just pawns in the game but he's your bro. This is so sad, can we shit?

"I hope you never find the Impostor, useless sluts."

_FailAbortion was not the Impostor._

Suna now changes tactics. "Kenma, what do _you_ have to say for yourself?"

"Nothing, I guess."

"This game is tearing us apart," Yachi comments.

"Kenma has been making these false statements. I don't know if he's Impostor, but he's useless either way," you say to add fuel to the fire.

"Aren't you being a bit harsh?"

"You haven't seen the things I've seen go down in this game, Yachi. Nothing is sacred. _Nothing_. Especially not feet and animals from kids' shows. It's not even funny, I wish it was funny. Am I laughing? I don't think I am."

"I don't even know what you're talking about," she says, scared.

Kiyoko relaxes her wince from behind her screen. "Good."

"Shimizu and [L/n] are annoying me," Suna says. "Might fuck around and get rid of them."

"Suna, love, don't get jealous when I don't pay attention to you for ten minutes, you look like a child," you retort. "And stealing candies from babies is easy, that's why it's a saying."

Yachi is scandalized. "Have you done it?!"

"Idiot, don't you know that I have diabetes?"

"That's literally not true," you say, angry at Suna's audacity to lie on his own name.

He immediately admits defeat. "Sorry. Just felt like calling you an idiot."

"If Yachi was the Impostor─"

She cuts you off mid-sentence. "But I'm not!!! Don't say that."

"─she'd hide in the vent 'cause she's so scared of the other killer. El-oh-el. So it's not her."

"You're literally not funny," Kenma and Suna say in unison.

"The streets say otherwise," you argue.

"[L/n], didn't you say that red is always sus? Because Kenma is red," Kiyoko asks as if you're the Among Us guru. You might be at this point, you're reading all these mfs like a scientology leaflet.

"It's bullshit, your honor," Kenma says, unhappy at the fact that this conversation is coming back to him. 

"Top ten Kenmas who have sworn."

"[L/n], please shut up," Suna begs.

"I think that it's Kuroo. He killed himself to avoid suspicion."

"[L/n]." Kenma's voice starts sounding threatening. "Please refer to what Suna said or God help me, I'll show you why hurricanes are named after people."

"Holy shit, he has one-liners." You applaud him sarcastically. Suna joins in ─ he's being a centrist as per the usual, nothing out of the ordinary. What's more surprising is the fact that Kiyoko laughs at your dumbassery, even if it's not a loud reaction, you're still caught off-guard.

There's a lot of walking around without aim until a dead body is reported. Kiyoko must've made her first kill while you were separated, you're so proud of her. Kenma, who'd named himself apple314 for whatever reason, is who she got rid of.

"It's pretty obvious that you two are working together at this point," Suna says.

"What? Shimizu-san would never," Yachi argues.

"I was with her the whole time, don't listen to him Yachi," you argue.

"Really? Let's see then." He calls an emergency meeting and votes for her. Yachi protests for a while and you skip voting since she is your partner in crime, but it looks like you've been found out. Yachi caves in.

_banana was an Impostor._

You take your chance for the emergency button cooldown and Yachi's shock to kill Suna and win the game. His closeness to you was just a stroke of luck. At least Kiyoko's ejection wasn't in vain. You yell in triumph, and everyone else turns on their mics back on.

"Gee-gee, Shimizu," you say, smug.

"Good game, [L/n]."

No one else congratulates you. Sore losers. 

___

**stream  
**

10 people

16:05

 **noya**  
ok am still on for this afternoon

17:55

 **noya**  
@ _l/n_ fuck u bitch 

**You**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually had no intention of updating this but SOMEONE WHO I LIKE REALLY MCUH implied that she likes this fanfjc so i knew i was gonna be updating it today but i didnt know what but i saw i arleady had like 200 words of this written so i was like might as well finish it cuz i had no toehr ideas
> 
> Hopeeveryone enjoyed that -pitbull


	6. What the Fuck?

**boli me kura** @NOTroosterhead - _16h_  
i literally do not give a fuck about anything l/n says until he looks like this (and by this i mean this physique) im fucking done

**rina sunatarou** @boobie - _16h_  
 _Replying to @NOTroosterhead_   
?

 **hilarious male** @famouscelebrity - _16h_  
 _Replying to @NOTroosterhead_   
?

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _15h_  
 _Replying to @NOTroosterhead_   
why does this kinda hit

 **rina sunatarou** @boobie - _15h_  
 _Replying to @NOTroosterhead and @miracleboy_  
it doesnt. die

 **im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _7h_  
 _Replying to @NOTroosterhead  
_ this tweet made me an alcoholic again

 **ryuu @ hell** @acne43 - _7h_  
 _Replying to @NOTroosterhead and @sexilitus  
_ YOU WERE AN ALCOHOLIC ??????????????????????????????????????

* * *

 **VOLLEYGAMING** 😎 **(hinata named it stop changing it)**

54 members | 37 online

**#general-aids**

**hanamaki da sodomite** [16:44]  
kuroo  
?

 **kuroo the Bara fetishist** [16:44]  
WHAT  
Who changed my name why arey ou all so unfunny

 **lil xan's cousin** [16:45]  
u mad bro 

**kuroo the** [16:45]  
yes i mad. bro

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [16:45]  
your tweet

 **its OWL not OWEL** [16:45]  
what happen

 **suna clapping cheeks** [16:46]  
kuroo

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [16:46]  
kuroo

 **its OWL not OWEL** [16:46]  
what are you talking about

 **suna clapping cheeks** [16:46]  
about this  
fuck   
discord says file is too powerful

 **its OWL not OWEL** [16:47]  
kuroo

 **kuroo the** [16:47]  
dont hmu

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [16:47]  
l/n what DID You do to prooke this

 **lil xan's cousin** [16:47]

**suna clapping cheeks** [16:48]  
so you DID do something

 **lil xan's cousin** [16:48]  
suna look me in the eyes  
in my beautiful eyes that remind you of a thousand starts in the sky

 **suna clapping cheeks** [16:48]  
ur godmodding

 **lil xan's cousin** [16:48]  
when am i NOT doing something

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [16:49]  
thats true if you think about it

 **its OWL not OWEL** [16:49]  
this consversation isnt going anywhere

 **Baldy** [16:49]  
amateurs  
Ill show you how its done so watch closely  
@kenma (Beast Tamer) what did l/n do

 **kuroo the** [16:49]  
NO

 **suna clapping cheeks** [16:52]  
what the fuck is he typing a h*rry potter novel

 **kenma (Beast Tamer)** [16:53]  
well if you really want to know kuroo had some kind of weird minecraft girlfriend who was really "cute" or something then they started texting on discord and l/n somehow caught word of all this dont ask me how ill nevr understand how because we never tell him things like this so he started looking over kuroo's shoulder constantly and somehow saw her fucking discord tag after like a week of being creepy and memorized it and added her and then they started talking and l/n somehow roped her into a pyramid scheme by using his "charm" (his words not mine) btw im pretty sure she cheated on kuroo with him via e-sex but thats not the point so anyway long story short she agreed to joining the pyramid scheme and that ended up with kuroo somehow getting a trojan horse on his computer because he thought she was sending him nudes and then he saw on l/n's finsta (he uses to stalk his bestfriend from middle school who blocked him everywhere when he saw the video of l/n reviewing all the poopsies that he owns based on how well they diarrhea and vomit) that he was detailingly explaining this situation to his 3 followers who are him me and an ex-soldier with guns on his wall whos like 37 and follows him for some reason  
and soulja boy thoughtthis was very entertaining he said LOL you evil genius! on the post

 **kuroo the** [16:54]  
FUCK YOU

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [16:54]  
my brain literally did not process any of this information. have a nice dya

 **kuroo the** [16:54]  
HE PICKED UP A GIRL BY SAYING CHEESED TO MEET YOU ON DISCORD I HOPE HE DIE DIE DIE S

 **suna clapping cheeks** [16:54]  
tl;dr or it didnt happen

 **lil xan's cousin** [16:55]  
kuroo whats got ur blood clot in a nipple twist

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [16:55]  
this conversation literally made me nauseous bye

 **kuroo the** [16:55]  
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

 **lil xan's cousin** [16:55]  
guys im not even polyamorous just an adulterer

 **T̶͞Ę͢N̷D͏O̵̸̧͘U̷̵̴͟** [16:55]  
kuroo is abt to post his selfie on r/incels and 4chan and ask for a tbh   
**  
lil xan's cousin** [16:56]  
HOYL SHIT  
HES HERE

 **Baldy** [16:56]  
oh god oh fucl

 **lil xan's cousin** [16:56]  
he looks depressed to be alive. he looks like he hates himself as much as i hate him. nothing going on in his head. good.

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [16:56]  
WHAT ARE YOU EVILY MONOLOGUING ABOUT NOW

 **lil xan's cousin** [16:57]  
my tbh for kuroo  
  
  


**kuroo the** [16:58]  
why must you torment me so  
No bc l/n is teh worst friend ive ever had and we just have to deal with it bc hesstupid and that somehow excuses everything he does. 

**it's OWL not OWEL** [16:58]  
bro u look ugly asf in this

 **lil xan's cousin** [16:59]  
always strive an prosper

 **suna clapping cheeks** [16:59]  
me when i lie^

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [16:59]  
WHY DID HE EVNE SAY THAT LOL????

 **lil xan's cousin** [17:00]  
wiat he said asf not asap

 **suna clapping cheeks** [17:00]  
WHAT DID YOU THINK HE WAS SAYNG ?? YOURE ALWAYS STRIVE AND PROSPER UGLY??

 **lil xan's cousin** [17:01]  
its bokuto he's always nice

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [17:01]  
l/n how did you achieve this level of based

 **lil xan's cousin** [17:01]  
based on what

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [17:01]  
like destroyingthe libs or whatever  
with facts and logic  
or something

 **lil xan's cousin** [17:02]  
makki wtaf are u talking abt You fucking homo

 **hanamaki da sodomite** [17:02]  
i want you to share your secrwt

 **Baldy** [17:02]  
What so we can follo in his fooststeps

 **lil xan's cousin** [17:06]  
My name is [L/n] [Y/n]. I'm 16 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Shinjuku, Tokyo, where all the hot prostitute MILFs are, and I am not married. I work as fan favorite number three on Kenma's streams, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke anymore, but I occasionally drink since I am now tall enough to reach the alcol shelf. I'm in bed by 4 AM, and make sure I get three hours of sleep, no matter what. Just like a baby, I wake up and start screaming first thing in the morning to annoy the old hag neighbors. I was told I have poor blood circulation at my last check-up session which might be affecting my brain function. I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, except Kuroo Tetsurou and Suna Rintarou (or his fake alias, Rina Suntarou). That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight, I wouldn't lose to anyone, especially Kuroo Tetsurou.

 **suna clapping cheeks** [17:07]  
wait so  
let us get this straight  
you act like this when youre alone  
like  
this isnt a show? you genuinely act liek this

 **lil xan's cousin** [17:07]  
why wouldn t i

 **suna clapping cheeks** [17:07]  
omfg

 **Baldy** [17:08]  
the blood circulation thing explains a lot

* * *

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _10h_  
hello tendou-ists and by that i mean my high school volleyball fan folloewrs today i will be conducting the first ever poop experiment and by that i mean i'll be hosting a poll!

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _10h_

WHO IS THE MOST USELESS BENCH-WARMER?  
\- Semi Eita (Shiratorizawa)  
\- Sugawara Koushi (Karasuno)  
\- [L/n] [Y/n] (Nekoma)  
\- Shinsuke Kita (Inarizaki)  
\- Yahaba Shigeru (Aobajosai)

Vote - _2h left_

 **im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _9h  
Replying to @miracleboy_   
Stop it ok im not on the twitter just stop it

 **hilarious male** @famouscelebrity - _9h  
Replying to @miracleboy_   
this is erasure of random karasuno legends

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _2m_  
 _Replying to @famouscelebrity_   
sorry who?

 **Shinsuke Kita** @Kita1092302 - _10h  
Replying to @miracleboy_   
tendou-san i dont remember consensting to this (whatever this is)

 **rina suntarou** @boobie - _10h  
Replying to @miracleboy_   
l/n for sure! dude doesnt even kno the rules. rolling eyes

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _10h_  
 _Replying to @boobie_   
rly I think it's semi lol

 **kenma** @kodzuken - _10h_  
 _Replying to @miracleboy_   
never thought id say this but id prefer it if u did a real poop experiment

* * *

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _13m_  
omg just 20 minutes left until poll results !! i have enough time to take a poopy of excitement

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _12h_

WHO IS THE MOST USELESS BENCH-WARMER?  
\- Semi Eita (Shiratorizawa) 4.5%  
\- Sugawara Koushi (Karasuno) 1.9%  
\- [L/n] [Y/n] (Nekoma) 48.8%  
\- Shinsuke Kita (Inarizaki) 1.1%  
\- Yahaba Shigeru (Aobajosai) 46.7%

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - 10m  
eveyryone give it up for @sexilitus 

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - 8m  
 _Replying to @miracleboy_   
me taking my award

**im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _8m_  
 _Replying to @miracleboy_

**boli me kura** @NOTroosterhead - 7m  
 _Replying to @miracleboy_  
and they said having 132 fake accounts is useless

 **Bong Water** @miracleboy - _5m_  
 _Replying to @NOTroosterhead  
_ ok change of plans give it up to @yeehawbashigeru

 **im a jerk & everyone loves me** @sexilitus - _just now_  
 _Replying to @miracleboy, @NOTroosterhead and @yeehawbashigeru_   
WHAT THE FUCK NO IGIVE IT BACK no no non o this isnt real this cant be happening


	7. (Not At All Belated) Christmas Special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Choose your own adventure. Or read all of them. Or maybe half of them? IDGAF. These drabbles are 'preferences' or 'scenarios' or whatever you wanna call them, so you can pick who you spent time with in the story.

**Kuroo Tetsurou** : 

Kuroo wonders what kind of bad karma he had in his past life for this to be happening. There you are, outside his window, banging with one hand and saying some stupid shit. He can't hear what it is but he can see your breath tinting the cold glass. He's not sure how you managed to climb up here in the first place.

Believe it or not, he's still mad at you for the trojan virus shenanigan. His computer is unusable still, and it's not like he's made of money to get it fixed so soon. You never made much of an attempt to show your remorse if you had any. Kuroo isn't convinced he has ever heard you say the word sorry, he doubts it's even in your vocabulary. 

You show no signs of planning to leave him alone. He sighs and unlocks the window, before giving you a sour look. "Listen, if you don't have a new computer for me, I don't want to hear it─"

"Ok. But what if I do?" you say smugly before hauling a heavy box over the window sill. With this additional information, the mystery of how you reached the second floor while becomes more confusing.

"Really? Or is this one of your lame pranks again?" he asks, skeptical. 

"It's my old laptop," you explain. "I got a new one from my uncle's sugar daddy. He's really trying to impress the family."

"Do I want to know?" Kuroo moves to set aside this supposed laptop you brought with you. You take the chance to slip inside. As much as you'd love getting sick from pneumonia, you stood out there long enough. 

You close the window after your entrance, and offer Kuroo another grin. "Probably not. But I'll tell you all about it anyway. I taught my uncle about this Instagram baddie thing and he made a fake account and now some dumbass wants to marry him. Also, he lied that I'm his child from a teen pregnancy. My parents don't know."

"Uh.. Thanks for being so open," Kuroo responds awkwardly. He unpacks the box. "Why is it wet?"

"It's certainly a laptop." You avoid the question.

He pulls it out and whatever sticky substance was on the packaging isn't on the device, thankfully. "Are you seriously giving me this? Do you have presents for the rest of the team?"

"Uh yeah, you can have it." You shrug. "And no. They can eat my shit and my hair. Also, you better delete all the porn before using it."

"Why would you have porn on your laptop? Are you secretly a 45-year-old?"

"No, actually after I wiped that shit clean, I downloaded all 2 GB of it just for your inconvenience. I didn't even look at it. Good luck."

Kuroo groans, but is still confused by your unusual act of humanity. Of course, you did owe him one, but he never expected you to come through. He assumed he'd be forced to forgive you so the team can get along, and you'd get away with everything as always.

He shudders once the unwelcome cold winter air invades again. You open the window once more, and throw your upper body out. Without as much as a goodbye, you have decided this is your cue to leave. Kuroo raises an eyebrow at your strange behavior, but lets it be.

When Kuroo's mom enters his room (without knocking), she's greeted by your butt as you try to squeeze your way through. "Tetsu─ oh, I didn't know you have a friend? Over."

"Actually, as you can see, he's leaving."

"What!? You can't just let him go through the window! He'll hurt himself."

"Well, he went in just fine?" he defends.

His mom shows a mix of confusion and frustration sprawled over her face as if she hasn't decided how to feel about the ordeal, before offering to take you to the real exit. Kuroo says nothing in his defense, but pulls you back inside with sheer force. 

You clean the snow off your jacket and give him a meaningful look, as if to tell him you did this on purpose. Then, you stick your tongue out at him and pull down your eyelid because you're immature. "Have fun cleaning the carpet, _Tetsu_."

He levels you with a weak glare despite the burning of his cheeks at your nonchalant mention of his mom's nickname for him. You have long disappeared out of his sight by the time he glances at the melting snow in his room. Then at his desk, and the laptop on it. 

_Apology accepted, weirdo_ , Kuroo thinks to himself.

**Kozume Kenma** :

"[L/n], why are you like, here?" Kenma asks, observing you with a great amount of cynicism. When dealing with new people, he's awkward and maybe somewhat meek─if he comes off as rude, it's never purposeful. But you're someone he's quite used to. 

"Your mom let me in. You know she loves me."

"She doesn't know you like I do." He sighs.

"Ouch," you say in a deadpan, before averting your eyes around his little mancave. The lights are turned off, unsurprisingly, and you can only see a bare outline of everything with the help of Kenma's computer's glow. "Can't I see my _bestie_ on the _happiest day ever_ , or whatever they say?"

"No. I want my peace on Christmas."

"You can just ignore me, ok. I'll talk to myself. I'm insane."

"You're not easy to ignore," he points out. If he had to listen to you go on and on about whatever your sick mind comes up with in the moment, he'd surely get a headache. So this isn't an option. Not to mention, if you were to be ignored, you'd end up throwing a tantrum sooner or later. You have an attention whore problem.

You strike a weird pose at that and pucker your lips at him. "Oh, I didn't know you think I'm a distraction."

"No, you're not. Not like this."

"So, does that mean I'm usually a distraction?"

"Ugh. Stop doing.. whatever you're doing right now," he groans. You shrug with one shoulder and a self-assured grin on your face. Kenma returns his attention to whatever game he was playing before you barged in, intent on boring you to going away. Or maybe death. Whatever comes first, he decides.

It's not like he hates you. You could've at least warned him that you're coming over, though. He doesn't bode well with unexpected socialization, especially over the holidays. He wouldn't be so caught off-guard if it was Kuroo coming over, but you? There's no way your intentions, whatever they might be, are any good.

The door creaks and he realizes you've went away. Just as quickly, you reappear while holding a chair from downstairs. You drag it over to where he's sitting and he winces at the annoying noise.

"Why aren't you talking to yourself?" Your silence was awkward _and_ another twist to tonight's shenanigans. Kenma almost can't believe he just said this.

"I thought you didn't want me to?"

"Since when do you listen to what I say?" he says with a scowl. 

"Come on, man. Where's your spirit and your ugly sweater?" you retort. This probably made some type of sense in your head. "Hey, I've seen this visual novel."

"No spoilers," Kenma says seriously, and you almost want to laugh in his face. So when you notice that he's been making choices leading to a bad end, you don't tell him anything.

**Hanamaki Takahiro** :

You and Hanamaki had actually never met face-to-face before today. But when your progenitors, as you call them, informed you that you'll visit family in Miyagi for Christmas, you knew you had to make this happen.

He looks unimpressed, but so do you. He's currently showing you the Google results for 'christmas activities' which, you're not sure why he was even searching that up in the first place, but whatever. Live and let live, as they say. "This is the lamest shit I've ever read."

"I know right?" he agrees, his trademark deadpan still clear over his face.

"Who wrote this? Zoella?"

"Probably. Though I took her as more of a Pinterest interior design person. I like the gingerbread house idea."

You give him an offended look. "You _want_ to bake a gingerbread house?"

"Uh, not exactly," Makki clarifies. "I want to make gingerbread poop."

You don't know what exactly that means or entails, but you applaud him in approval. Anything that has to do with feces, you're down to participate in. "Sure, dude. Count me in. We should put it on Oikawa's bed."

"See, this is why I like you [L/n]," he says. "You just.. get it. If only I knew how to sneak inside Oikawa's house, or knew where he lives."

"To be fair, the idea of eating fake poop tickles me too. Do you know how to bake that?" you suggest. As much as you'd love to be the yellow stain on Oikawa's white shirt (new analogy you just came up with about twenty seconds ago), it can wait.

"Sure, it can't be that complicated." Makki gives a noncommittal shrug of his shoulder. 

You two go inside his kitchen and he starts listing off random ingredients for you to get him. You didn't know he's talented in any area outside of volleyball and being an extremely online teenager, but if your eyes aren't deceiving you he may be good at cooking.

"Why did you have all this shit on hand?" You squint your eyes at him. "Did you plan this?"

"This is all basic shit. Are you having weird visions of us being in a relationship in an alternate universe again?"

"Well, this answer doesn't fit my agenda so I'll just ignore it and believe whatever I want to."

"Ok," Hanamaki agrees. He doesn't care one way or the other. 

The rest of the baking time is spent in saying things only the two of you find funny, though at one point you argue whether you should've made one very big gingerbread poop instead of a bunch of small ones. You then come to an agreement that there's a bigger percent of someone choking on them.

"I'll give it a taste test," you announce. You take a bite and for some reason they taste.. bad? But why, that's literally so simple to make? "It literally tastes like shit, I love it."

"Amazing, just what I was aiming for."

"How do you know how shit tastes? That's so metal, Friend Hanamaki."

He ignores every word you just said. With his trademark blank face, he suggests your next activity for the day. "Let's find people to force to eat our Christmas poop now."

 **Tendou Satori** :

You had known you were going to end up visiting relatives in Miyagi, though you didn't have any intent of spending the holidays with him. Running into Tendou and Semi while roaming the streets was completely accidental.

Semi tells you something abou how 'ignoring your family' is 'impolite'. You tell him that you don't 'GAF' and he asks you what that 'is'. Tendou watches with amusement and he does believe that watching you argue with Semi over useless semantics all day is a worthy past time, it has to come to a stop eventually.

"Trespassing isn't even that big of a deal in theory," you say, very bold on your part. "What if I trespassed somewhere and I did whatever, but like, NO ONE ever noticed? Tell me, how is that illegal? I would put it on the same level as jaywalking."

"There's no way you were raised on the human planet. I'm only saying this because you're misunderstanding ethics in a way I didn't think was possible."

"According to Occam's razor, I'm right."

"What?! Do you even know what that means?"

"No, but destiny is telling me that it's on my side. Whatever it is," you state, confident. "Tendou, you agree with me, right?"

Semi's eyes widen. "Objection! Tendou will clearly be on your side, because when we played D&D, he got chaotic evil and then made a troll oc that was literally the troll face and its main offense was burping. This is unfair."

"[L/n], me agreeing with you is not enough," the redhead replies with a sly expression. "I think we should physically prove Semi wrong."

"That sounds like we have a very slim chance of success. I'm in," you say, mirroring his face.

"Ok, you know what? I don't even care," Semi declares, about to walk away. "You can do whatever you want. I'll be at _home_ , opening _presents_. Something you won't be doing because you'll be breaking into a pool during winter or whatever you have planned."

You and Tendou perk up as if this is the best thing you've ever heard. Great, now he's given you an idea. He better scuttle away before he gets too involved in your shenanigans, and the two of you bring up his name in court when you inevitably fail.

You don't know the area well, so it's up to Tendou to decide where you'll be wreaking havoc. Apparently, there's a pool in his school (which makes the ordeal riskier and also more appealing). You wait until the sun stops shining as an attempt at stealth, and the day is mostly wasted by tasting weird energy drinks in random vending machines.

Tendou has a bottle of what he headcanons rat venom to taste like when he starts leading you towards Shiratorizawa. You're telling him another anecdote about your problems related to your poor blood circulation when the nausea caused by the sugary taste of his drink wins over, making him lurch and vomit in the middle of the dimly-lit street.

"Tendou, you're a genius," you say, looking at his bile.

"If whatever you're thinking about has to do with vomit, I agree, that's so awesome. But you'll be the one to do it, my stomach is too weak now." He examines his drink profoundly. Who knew something so cheap could hold so much power?

You agree to his conditions without any convincing.

The thing is, Tendou _does_ have a card for the gate due to being a part of the dormitory program. And he does use it when the two of you arrive, but then closes the door in your face and insists you use your manly volleyball powers to climb over the fence. This delays the mission by about thirty minutes.

Sneaking into the pool is more complicated. You don't ease the process; in fact, you make it worse by rolling on the floor and pretending you own a gun. The journey has been perilous, but without a word, Tendou hands you the drink. 

"Your honor," he says. "The puke is gonna freeze over and some poor employee is gonna have to clean it, or maybe they'll only see it when we go back in school. How delightfulyl cruel."

"Thank you. I always wanted to try this Internet food poisoning fad," you quip back before downing the entire thing in one go. Considering your determination, he thinks it's funnier if he doesn't tell you food poisoning isn't a made-up thing, or that drinks don't cause it in the first place. 

The effect is almost immediate. You puke so much you're forced to have a sleepover at Tendou's rooms instead of returning to your respective homes.

 **Suna Rintarou** :

God, someone save Suna from this hell. As a preface, he had no idea something like this could happen. Tokyo is big, the world is big, yet his karma must be small. He visits Tokyo like, for the fifth time in his life and he has to stumble upon you.

Not to mention the ridiculousness of his circumstances. He just went to the mall to buy a present, and all of a sudden he finds out you're.. the Mall Santa Claus? Why? How? 

"[L/n]," he says. "[L/n], listen to me."

"Ok."

"Go back to pretending to be a weird reverse burglar while I do my thing."

"Ok."

"You weren't listening, were you?"

"I'm on break," you inform him, just so he's aware you're not that terrible at your job. Which you're not doing a good job at proving, by terrorizing civillians while still in uniform. "What present are you buying?"

"I have to buy five, and I don't even talk to these people more than once a year. The woes of being a teenager," Suna explains, though he doesn't seem invested in his story. That's somehow a very Suna thing to do.

You ignore what he just said and settle for giving him random trivia. "By the way, those aren't _real_ Christmas discounts. The prices are the same, but they cross out fake prices to make it look tempting."

"I still have to buy one though, so thanks for the useless tip."

"Anytime for you, buddy! Santa loves to help. Do you think you could take up a job as my royal elf?"

"No? Also how did you even get this job? You're still in highschool."

You click your tongue at him. "I don't need to be an elder citizen to look ridiculous and act overly-friendly. Also, I give kids empty promises all the time. Take my little cousins for example, I always tell them I'll give them a turn on the computer or play with them, yet it has never happened."

"I wouldn't trust you around children. You'd probably teach them how to play with knives, so maybe it's for the best you neglect them," he mumbles under his breath. Somehow the two of you made it in a random shop.

"But the mall people don't know that."

Feeling too tired to spend any more brain energy, Suna is about to pick up the first thing he sees until you interrupt him by pointing at something. It's a pregnant Barbie doll, with the baby inside her visible and all. "Get that one," you suggest or more like demand.

He gives you a pained expression. "Why? It looks disturbing."

"You can go on a charade at Christmas dinner about irony and why it's what makes this doll cool as you give it to your grandma," you explain.

"No."

Suna tries to leave the shop altogether, but you block his path. The two of you argue. Well. You talk to yourself until he grows tired of listening to your babbling, so he relents and buys the doll.

"Yesssssss. I always win," you boast.

"You can have it. I should have enough money to buy other useless things," Suna says dispassionately before handing it over. You take it as you look at it dumbly. This is way funnier when you're not the one receiving it, but it's also very odd and creepy. It has its cons and pros.

"What?"

"It's ironic, you're going to love it," he deadpans.

You scrunch your face. "Don't just repeat my words to m― oh, I should go back to work now."

You believe Suna is waving at you until you realize that he's shooing you away. How rude. Ok, whatever. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a hater," you announce, though Suna doesn't even entertain you. You walk away without much dignity, but doll still in hand.

Without your interference, his shopping ends quick. Well. He'd rather it ended earlier, but this was probably ideal by realistic standards. On his way out, he decides to observe your gig from a safe distance. You don't appear to be doing anything questionable or terrifying, until you see him.

He hopes you won't acknowledge him until you go 'HO HO HO' like a slut-shamer and wave him over. Kids and parents alike redirect their attention towards him. He decides to walk over anyway, figuring there's not much you can do in such a setting. 

"Suna," you say, foreboding.

"Yes, uh, Santa?"

"You've been a good boy this year, right?"

"Yea, sure." He shrugs.

"That's awesome. Do you wanna sit in Santa's lap and tell him what you want for Christmas?"

He really wants to say no, but the parents are kind of glaring at him and the kids seem very intrigued by this new plot. He wonders what you said that you didn't hear while he was far away, though you probably made up some bullshit. Maybe called him an ex-elf or something.

Suna cringes as he tries to position himself in your lap. You're trying not to laugh at him. "What do you want?"

"Uh. Hm. Live, laugh, love," he says. That makes no sense and even the kids think it's lame (who cares? at least it was family-friendly), but you don't look opposed to it. In fact, you look kind of excited.

"I have just the thing for you!"

He goes to stand up since your excitement is never good news, but you stop him. Then you reach over and whip out a mug that says live, laugh, love. Inside it is a small tourist ornament that also says live, laugh, love. 

He glares and whispers that he's going to wait for you to finish your shift and kill you in a nearby bush. Then, Suna takes his leave with that stupid gift in his grip. You're disappointed when you don't get attacked on your way home that day. Your Twitter followers will be hearing about this deception.


End file.
